What began as curiosity became transformation. Through intimacy, energy work, and heightened awareness, masculine and feminine dissolved into a single current — revealing what might be called androgynous consciousness: the genderless nature of consciousness itself.
This account reflects how I understood these experiences at the time. Some interpretations — particularly those concerning “pure consciousness” or the nature of the self — are revisited more cautiously in later posts.
The Catalyst
Months after my dakini left, I began a new physical relationship. It did not carry the same depth of love and joy I had experienced with her — but another kind of connection emerged: intense, surprising, and charged with something new.
Between us, there was a third presence – a catalyst. Cannabis. What followed was not intoxication, but amplification — the body becoming a field of resonance.
Before I continue, a few clarifications.
I was in my sixties, and this was the first time I had ever inhaled anything of that nature. I only allowed myself to take this step because the timing was right: my professional life had reached its natural end, retirement was near, and no responsibilities demanded my vigilance.
I do not encourage the use of any substance, and certainly not for those still engaged in daily obligations. But neither do I believe in forbidding what can, under the right circumstances, open doors of perception. There are always risks — and each person must weigh them with full awareness and responsibility.
In my case, this plant did not serve as an escape, but as an amplifier. If before the feeling had been like a gentle stream, now it became a current — powerful, unrelenting, sweeping us both into places we had never imagined.
At first, it seemed a fortunate synergy that simply enriched our time together. But then came a turning point.
Acknowledgment and Cartography
The more I explored, the clearer it became that this was no longer just pleasure. It was August 2012 when a peculiar surge rose along my spine. At that moment I understood that the “Tantric thing” we had often joked about was asking for real attention.
So we continued the practice — hour after hour, day after day. Between encounters, in the quiet intervals, I explored my body alone, discovering how the same sensations grew stronger even without her presence.
It became a phase of inner cartography◊Mapping the nodes — mapping subtle structures revealed through deepening sensation. Each new pulse illuminated hidden territories within.
Meanwhile, I wandered the internet — half seeker, half skeptic — searching for echoes of these experiences in Tantric symbols and metaphors. I did not yet know the language, but I recognized the patterns.
Changes in Perception
As the sensation evolved, my perception of reality changed as well. The first noticeable shift was a sense of dissolution◊On dissolution and death — as if the boundaries of my body were no longer fixed. The faint openness I had once felt along my spine gradually expanded, as though I were merging with my partner, and through her, with everything around us.
Following the sensation inward revealed a simple fact: thinking disrupted the experience. The feeling was strong enough to expel thought like an unwanted reflex. Without knowing it, I was practicing some sort of meditation.
Over time, I spent longer periods fully conscious yet free of thought — until thought itself appeared as something external. That led to a fundamental realization: I was not my thoughts◊On the Self. They were merely automatic brain activity, mechanical and impersonal. What I truly was, was the awareness observing them arise and fade.
The Reversal
Then, in the spring of 2015, something shifted. The current that had always flowed from me to her suddenly reversed. It was as if she became the origin, and I, the receiver. Sensation moved in new directions, unfamiliar and astonishing. I received what I had only known how to offer.
To feel oneself from the other side of the mirror is no small thing.
At first, it was disorienting. The gender roles I had thought fixed — shaped by habit, culture, identity — dissolved. It stirred questions I had never considered.
As we talked through it, we found parallels in ancient Tantric texts — especially in the image of the androgynous body. What had once been polarity now became androgyny — not metaphorically, but experientially. A deeper wholeness emerged, as if until then we had only known half of what was possible.
Androgynous Consciousness – The Body Beyond Gender
Once the initial cultural shock subsided, it felt not extraordinary but self-evident. This “I” — pure consciousness — existed beyond gender. Sex was a biological function, irrelevant in this context.
Physically, my partner and I were woman and man. Energetically, we were identical. At first, we exchanged polarities — now one radiating, now the other. Later, we learned to hold both simultaneously: masculine and feminine, yin and yang, fused in a single moment. What remained was unity — a continuous field of awareness perceiving itself through two bodies.
At a subsequent stage, I found I could reach this fusion alone◊Fusion.
Leave a Reply