Category: Timeline

Fusion

The next significant milestone came in the autumn of 2016. Reversing the flow had already intensified our connection, but this time the energy grew beyond anything we had known—surging again and again, masculine, feminine, masculine, feminine—until we reached the limits of what our bodies could bear.

Then came a question: Why alternate between one kind of pleasure and the other? What would it be like to experience both at once?

Against all expectations, it was possible—to emit and absorb simultaneously.

That cryptic Daoist phrase, yin within yang, yang within yin, which I had long dismissed as metaphorical, proved to describe a tangible physiological phenomenon. The result was an overwhelming sense of fusion with my partner — not symbolic, but literal and physiological.

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Inner Tantra: The Partner Within

Eventually, we had to stop. Not from disinterest, but because the intensity became too much for her body to handle.

At that time, a friend from an online forum mentioned a Tibetan visualization practice known as Yidam, in which one merges with the essence of a deity. The hint came at the right moment, as if the process itself were orchestrating the next step.

Coming from this physical experience of fusion, I tried to reproduce it through imagination alone – and the result was unexpected.

I realized I no longer needed a partner to evoke the same feminine sensations I once thought depended on her presence. Even more surprising: I could now experience that same state of fusion within myself — first in the belly, then in the chest, and finally in the head.

It was more intense than anything I had ever shared with another person — and yet, I was alone.

Each stage of fusion reshaped perception. It became clear that I was interacting with the very architecture of consciousness.

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Retreat into Emptiness

In 2018, we parted ways.
I moved to a quiet coastal village — no obligations, no dependents, no noise. Just silence and the sea.

When the pandemic arrived, solitude became total. The conditions were ideal for continuing the experiment. It felt as though the same process that had driven the inner changes was now shaping the outer circumstances.

With the ability to merge emission and absorption — yin and yang — I resumed the internal exploration, allowing sensation to guide the process. Once that current begins, it cannot be directed. It follows its own logic. My role seemed limited to removing resistance.

Over time, its purpose revealed itself. It was no longer a nourishing current but a cleansing force, sweeping away everything it touched — until nothing was left.

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The Dilution of Perception

The male–female polarity had already vanished during the first fusion — in the belly, the seat of desire. It seemed that this body of energy has no gender, that consciousness is neither male nor female.

The next fusion, in the chest — the domain of affection — brought an expanded awareness, a sense of vast connectedness where “inside” and “outside” lost meaning. Spatial rules didn’t apply, and love was seen as an inevitable consequence of the inextricable connection between “me” and “other”.

Finally, the fusion in the head brought joy — not personal joy, but a quiet, objectless ecstasy: the recognition of being inseparable from everything. The distinction between “me” and “other” went beyond spatial connection, “me” and “other” seemed to be the same thing.

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Final Reflection

What remains now is the final boundary:

The inner self — the one aware of this energy body — still feels like an “I.”
It is unbounded, genderless, fused with all things… yet it still is.

This seems to be the last polarity to dissolve: Being versus Non-Being. “I” versus Nothing.

At first, that prospect feels disquieting. But, as before, opposites tend to converge — as male and female, in and out, self and other once did — into a single, self-consistent reality where all distinctions fade.

“To fuse is to vanish, and to vanish is to know what remains when nothing is left to dissolve.”

Seen in retrospect, the path appears less like progress than a gradual movement from fusion to spaciousness, where experience becomes wider while the sense of ownership diminishes.

The Catalyst

Months after my dakini left, I began a new physical relationship. It did not carry the same depth of love and joy I had experienced with her — but another kind of connection emerged: intense, surprising, and charged with something new.
Between us, there was a third presence – a catalyst. Cannabis. What followed was not intoxication, but amplification — the body becoming a field of resonance.

Before I continue, a few clarifications.

I was in my sixties, and this was the first time I had ever inhaled anything of that nature. I only allowed myself to take this step because the timing was right: my professional life had reached its natural end, retirement was near, and no responsibilities demanded my vigilance.

I do not encourage the use of any substance, and certainly not for those still engaged in daily obligations. But neither do I believe in forbidding what can, under the right circumstances, open doors of perception. There are always risks — and each person must weigh them with full awareness and responsibility.

In my case, this plant did not serve as an escape, but as an amplifier. If before the feeling had been like a gentle stream, now it became a current — powerful, unrelenting, sweeping us both into places we had never imagined.

At first, it seemed a fortunate synergy that simply enriched our time together. But then came a turning point.

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Acknowledgment and Cartography

The more I explored, the clearer it became that this was no longer just pleasure. It was August 2012 when a peculiar surge rose along my spine. At that moment I understood that the “Tantric thing” we had often joked about was asking for real attention.

So we continued the practice — hour after hour, day after day. Between encounters, in the quiet intervals, I explored my body alone, discovering how the same sensations grew stronger even without her presence.

It became a phase of inner cartography — mapping subtle structures revealed through deepening sensation. Each new pulse illuminated hidden territories within.

Meanwhile, I wandered the internet — half seeker, half skeptic — searching for echoes of these experiences in Tantric symbols and metaphors. I did not yet know the language, but I recognized the patterns.

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The Reversal

Then, in the spring of 2015, something shifted. The current that had always flowed from me to her suddenly reversed. It was as if she became the origin, and I, the receiver. Sensation moved in new directions, unfamiliar and astonishing. I received what I had only known how to offer.

To feel oneself from the other side of the mirror is no small thing.

At first, it was disorienting. The gender roles I had thought fixed — shaped by habit, culture, identity — dissolved. It stirred questions I had never considered.

As we talked through it and found parallels in ancient Tantric texts — especially in the image of the androgynous body. What had once been polarity now became androgyny — not metaphorically, but experientially. A deeper wholeness emerged, as if until then we had only known half of what was possible.

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Changes in Perception

As the sensation evolved, my perception of reality changed as well. The first noticeable shift was a sense of dissolution — as if the boundaries of my body were no longer fixed. The faint openness I had once felt along my spine gradually expanded, as though I were merging with my partner, and through her, with everything around us.

Following the sensation inward revealed a simple fact: thinking disrupted the experience.

The feeling was strong enough to expel thought like an unwanted reflex. Over time, I spent longer periods fully conscious yet free of thought — until thought itself appeared as something external. That led to a fundamental realization: I was not my thoughts. They were merely automatic brain activity, mechanical and impersonal. What I truly was, was the awareness observing them arise and fade.

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The Androgynous Body

The next shift came with the reversal of flow: recognizing the androgynous nature of this energy body. Once the initial cultural shock subsided, it felt not extraordinary but self-evident. This “I” — pure consciousness — existed beyond gender. Sex was a biological function, irrelevant in this context.

Physically, my partner and I were woman and man. Energetically, we were identical. In the exchange of energy, polarity disappeared. What remained was unity — a continuous field of awareness perceiving itself through two bodies.

This was the threshold — where polarity dissolved, and awareness began to stand on its own.