A personal story of how sensual connection became Tantric Union and meditation — the accidental beginning of an inner path. What began as pure feeling unfolded into a wordless communion, where love, joy, and energy merged into a single current.
A Language Beyond Words
I didn’t know a single word of her language, and she only knew a few of mine. But despite that—or perhaps because of it—we reached a level of communication beyond words, far deeper than anything I had ever experienced. A smile, a glance, a moan, a shiver—that was all it took to know exactly what the other was feeling. It was as if our bodies were wired together. I could feel her pleasure; she could feel mine. Her delight became my own, and mine became hers. This was how it began — without intention or philosophy, only through feeling, our encounters were the door to tantric union and the unfolding of awareness.
At First, it Was Just Pleasure… and Then Came Love
It began as simple pleasure, without meaning or mystery, but as our connection deepened and our bodies slipped into this strange communion, something else took hold: pure joy. The first feeling when we met was sheer joy; she leapt with excitement, already anticipating what we were about to share. That joyful anticipation, that shared intention, that sense of oneness, wove itself into the ever-intensifying pleasure between us.
…And then came love. Not the binding thing but care — the quiet kind that asks for nothing. I wiped her tears when she cried, wrapped her in my arms when sadness found her. She rubbed the pain from my back when it flared. Our spoken words were few —a narrow channel limited by vocabulary— yet our bodies said everything. A glance that lingered, a kiss that asked nothing, a breath drawn in silence, a smile resting between us—each spoke louder than words. Still, we both knew this wasn’t ordinary love.
Our situation was captured with quiet precision in a Tom Waits song, The Bird and the Whale.
“You cannot live in the ocean,” she said. “You never can live in the sky.”
“Please don’t cry, let me dry your eyes. Though I know that we both must part, you can live in my heart.” — Tom Waits, The Bird and the Whale
That was us—two beings made of different elements, unable to live in the same medium, but who, for a while, danced in the space between. And as we had known from the start—and as she had planned—after two years she returned to her country, on the other side of the world. Knowing it was what we both needed to thrive, we didn’t cling. We let go, gently and without regret.
What Remained After She Was Gone
When she left, something remained — not emptiness, but a quiet current that would guide the rest of my journey. Without realizing it, we had touched the three sensations that would later become essential in my practice: the pleasure of intimacy, the joy of unity, and the sweetness of unconditional love —a love that was not transactional, but something far deeper. We were just a man and a woman, sharing the precious moments we could steal, unburdened by expectations or regrets, living in a bubble isolated from the world and its everyday worries.
Our encounters became a kind of meditation. With subtle movements and no need for words, we simply followed the contours of shared pleasure, spending hours suspended in an eternal now. I would only later learn that what we had stumbled upon resembled Tantric union — the fusion of energy, emotion, and awareness.
From Memory to Practice
She is gone now, but she left me two lasting gifts. One is the ability to remain on the edge of climax for as long as I choose —with any partner— which became essential for my energetic training, helping me guide and amplify the ever-deepening flow of this sensation, which I later came to know as Qi.
The other is her memory —surely softened and idealized by time— which became central to a powerful practice I discovered years later within the Dzogchen path: a fusion technique known as Yidam, where a visualized deity becomes a conduit for awakening. In my practice, I visualize her as my dakini, the celestial dancer who fuses with me in the deepest embrace, in an explosion of pleasure, joy, and love —sending me into the ultimate energetic experience.
What began as two bodies meeting became one consciousness unfolding. In retrospect, it feels like the first glimpse of tantric union and the unfolding of awareness, long before I had words to understand it.
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